What do you do when you find out that you’re not pregnant again?
You might have been trying naturally, had tons of sex in your fertile window and thought that the twinges were signs of implantation. You might be a couple of days late and convinced yourself that this is the month. Afterall you did everything right this month. All that effort has got to have counted.
Or you might have had IVF. IVF is so intense. Every. Step. Of. The. Way. All the feelings you had when you were trying to get pregnant naturally are 100 x more intense.
You’ve been preparing for IVF for months. You’ve spent the past few weeks sniffing, injecting, scanning and hoping. You’ve spent thousands. You ticked every box. Essentially you have your potential baby floating around your womb. You’re closer to pregnancy than ever before. It’s no wonder that the two-week wait is agony. You switch between: ‘I’m pregnant,’ ‘I’m not pregnant!’ I’m pregnant,’ ‘I’m not pregnant.’
The intensity of all that work. All the effort. You ticked every box. You did everything to the letter. You did your smoothies religiously. You took supplements. You had acupuncture. You went to yoga.
And then the day comes. Test day. You sit and watch for the lines to appear and it seems like the longest minutes of your life. Is that a line? You wonder. You hope. You pray.
And then it fades. You’re not pregnant. Again.
What do you do?
You feel like all that effort was a waste. You feel like a fool for believing that it could come true or that you felt pregnant when you weren’t. You feel like a failure.
You want the world to swallow you up because you can’t face telling anyone why you feel so sad. You want to check out and fall apart for a while.
You didn’t fail.
This is just part of your story. Another layer to make you stronger. More determined. More connected to what it is that you want in life.
You’re not broken.
You don’t need fixing. You’re perfect just as you are. In all your sadness and hope. In all your anger and wisdom. In all your doubt and conviction. You’re perfect just as you are.
Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. And when you can really feel it. Acknowledge it and be with it. Then there is the possibility to move on.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve for the baby you didn’t have.
You might feel your heart is so heavy, you’ll never be happy again. Look for the light. It’s there. Look hard enough and long enough at anything and a gift will emerge.
Nothing ever stays the same. You’ll get through this.
All my best,
Rachel Bolton BSc (Hons), Lic. Ac., Lic. Tui Na.
I empower women to see themselves as Fertility Heroes and help them to optimise their fertility, get pregnant and have healthy babies.
Whenever you're ready...here are 3 ways I can help you.
1. Join the private Facebook group: Fertility Heroes. Get fertility tips, community and inspiration. Only the women in the group will know you've joined and see your posts.
2. Take the Quiz: Which Fertility Hero Are You? Discover your superpowers, kryptonite and get your 3-point fertility formula.
3. Complete the Checklist: Why Am I Not Pregnant Yet? Find out what is missing from your fertility and get a new strategy.